On Social Anxiety and Small, Paralyzing Tasks

I have social anxiety.

That admission will probably surprise the heck out of some of you, considering all of the things I'm involved with that are people-centric.

But it's true. Over the 7 years, I've gone from being able to talk to anyone, anytime to really struggling to do so.

As a result, some important tasks that land on my plate to accomplish sit and stew for ages until I get my courage up to tackle them. Some die out or lose relevance long before I can get my nerve up to face them.

Having said all that, I accomplished two such tasks today. When I tell you what they are, you'll think I'm an absolute ninny for not taking them on sooner. But I did and they're done and that's a good thing all around.

Ready to hear what I did?

First, I chatted with our new mailman about the massive quantities of mail arriving at my address that are not for me or any member of my household. I had no idea how to handle getting so much mail meant for other people and was overwhelmed with how full my box always got as a result. The nice young man promised to only deliver mail from now on with the last names of Lewis and Aller. That'll eliminate about 60% of the mail I receive. Yay!

Second, I chatted with my neighbors (while their granddaughter held Baby) about borrowing one of their wheelbarrows to move brush from my backyard out front for the garbage folks to get. They have six parked in the side yard between our houses (he's a contractor and has multiples of everything) and told me I could take any of them any time I need them. Hooray!

See? Silly little things. But it's taken me months to address them. I function fairly well daily despite my anxiety, depression, bipolar and OCD issues (and I'd swear there's some ADHD thrown in there as well, but it's never been diagnosed) but sometimes, the smallest of issues just shut me down.

For now, I'll just enjoy having accomplished these overdue items. Win!

The Good, The Bad, and God

I don't have time to write this blog post. I still have a TON of client work due today. I still have overdue fall challenge posts I was suspposed to be publishing here. I still have to announce that my freelance website has been completely revamped and that you should all go check it out: www.tiffanyaller.com.

All of that junk aside, here's why I'm posting today: because I have such a very important reminder for you.

Yes, YOU.

(Quick note: if you aren't a believer, now's a good time to exit. We'll see you at the next post.)

God loves you. 

God loves you when times are good.

God loves you when times are bad.

God loves you when YOU are bad.

God loves you when frustration takes over.

God loves you when blessings return.

(God wants you to know that even in the midst of the worst kinds of frustration, there's still blessings to be found - they never left you after all.)

Here's why I know this to be true.

My life has been less than perfect or ideal the past couple years. Looking through my Facebook memories this morning was a harsh reminder of how different my life used to be. How much easier, according to some pictures, or how much harder, according to others.

God was there with me through all of those moments listed in my history and through all of what I'm experiencing now. God even gave me a wink at the crosswalk this morning, but since ya'll will think I'm crazy over my "God wink" stories, I'll just keep that one to myself.

God was there with me when I felt like I had no one or nothing.

God was there with me when I felt like He'd surely abandoned me or didn't exist at all.

God was there when I was mad at Him.

God was still there when I got over my mad and gained better perspective while regaining my faith.

God was there for me during triumphs.

And God was there when everything came crashing down.

Far, far down.

God was there when the kids and I experienced our greatest challenges - those we kept entirely to ourselves and will likely never discuss with others.

And God was there when the sunlight came back and began lighting up our darkest spaces.

And God wanted me to share this message this morning. Because I started the day with frustration after frustration related to my work. One of my two laptops crashed. The other was slow to start this morning after barring me from working last night during a mandatory update. And then I was just missing the boat on some revisions I had to do for work but couldn't seem to get my mind to accomplish.

Then I got one great email from a new client that represents a pretty big financial win.

Then I got a second one, reporting statistics on the success of a marketing campaign I helped design, along with a request for future work.

Then I realized that for every frustration I experienced since I woke up at 3:30 this morning, I'd received an equivalent blessing.

And that's how I know God's there, always balancing the scale, always loving on me even when I'm so caught up in the moment that I forget to be as loving back as I should.

There's good. There's bad. And no matter what, there's always God.

Fall Self-Care Challenge, Week Two:LIFE BALANCE, Part 2

Howdy again, ya'll!

Yes, WEEK TWO of my FALL SELF-CARE CHALLENGE is coming to you a couple weeks late. Sometimes, life goes off the rails a bit and we have to take time to address much larger goings-on. In my case, my best friend's sweet baby boy passed away unexpectedly and that was a much more important focus than blogging. It still is, honestly. If I could cut myself in two and send half of me back to PA, where I was last week, I would do so. But I had to get back to Texas to care for my own babies and get back up to speed in my work life, so here I am...blathering to you.

So about this self-care stuff...

Well, honestly, I barely got started. So here's to new new beginnings, right? Because it's never too late or too early to begin again anew.

So to recap...

The first three changes I wanted to incorporate in my life to create better balance were:
1. Stop Watching the Clock,
2. Stop Denying My Inner Clock, and
3. Quit With Arbitrary Rules.

Have you tried to incorporate any of those changes into your own life? I've been semi-successful, just in my short attempt at doing so. In fact, today I was so involved in work I was doing that I nearly missed getting to crosswalk (one of my volunteer gigs) this afternoon for school dismissal. So: I still need to watch the clock a bit. Or at least turn the reminder alarms back on, on my phone and iPad, now that I'm back in town.

As far as my inner clock having reset itself in the past year, turning me from an inveterate night owl to an astonishingly awake morning person...well, I've decided to embrace that wholeheartedly. More on that below...

Quitting arbitrary rules has been my biggest win so far. I was so programmed to "have" to do certain things at certain times, or in certain ways, that were just totally and completely unnecessary. Foolish, even. Beginning to ignore that in favor of simply getting done what needs done has been so freeing!

And now, this week...

WEEK TWO PRESENTS... 

KILL ALL THE UNICORNS!

How many of us experience unicorn wins versus actual habit changes?

Do I see a few hands out there, waving wildly in the air? I thought so!

A unicorn win is when you make an important change...and then forget all about it and go back to your old ways. In other words, your win is as elusive and fleeting as a unicorn sighting. Pretty, exciting, and gone before daylight.

So let's go ahead and kill all those dang unicorns in favor of true new-habit-embracing change. Let's really stop watching the clock. Let's totally embrace our inner clock. And let's quit those arbitrary rules so hard they shrivel up and die.

Okay, so really, I'm talking to myself here. But doesn't it sound so motivating if it sounds like I'm talking to you (whoever YOU are) instead?

For week two, I'm going to be working hard to really make sure I'm actually making sustainable changes to bring about better balance instead of continuing to chase unicorns.

I'm especially worried about backsliding on honoring my inner clock, so programmed do I feel to do certain things at certain times. So, I'm incorporating something new this week as well...

How many of you have heard of the Miracle Morning book by Hal Elrod?

When I was in PA, I got an email about an Amazon credit I had available to spend. So I hopped online and this book showed up in my recommended list. It nearly exactly matched its price to my credit, so a simple click of the button made it mine. I read it, cover to virtual cover, in its entirety on my plane rides back to Texas.

AND I LOVED IT!

It's all about shifting your perspective in how you approach mornings and completing a mix of six different things to get your day off to an absolutely fabulous start. The mix spells the acronym SAVERS - and you know I'm about to tell you what that means.

Silence/Prayer/Meditation

Affirmations/Mantras

Visualizing Goal Accomplishment

Exercise

Reading

Scribing/Journaling

Elrod suggests various ways of mixing up those steps - different order, different time alloted, etc. - but swears that spending at least a few minutes on each is what leads to a MIRACLE MORNING - in other words, living your best possible life daily because you get off to a great start.

The book also suggests some pre-/post-routine stuff like drinking water, washing your face, brushing your teeth, drinking coffee, eating breakfast, taking a shower...those cues your body needs to know it's time to WAKE UP AND FUNCTION.

So here's my plan for tomorrow, rather than lying in bed, waiting for minutes to tick past before I start writing for work at 5 AM.

3:55 AM - Alarm goes off, drink water, splash water on my face
4:00 AM - Prayer/meditation time
4:10 AM - Affirmations
4:15 AM - Visualization
4:20 AM - Exercise: 10 minutes on the bike, 5 minutes on elliptical, 5 minutes situps/pushups
4:40 AM - Reading - my next non-fiction book to tackle is The To-Do List Formula
4:55 AM - Scribing 3 gratitudes and 3 goals for the day
5:00 AM - Coffee & shower time.
5:15 AM - Start 1st hour of work for the day
6:15 AM - Wake the kiddos

So, for this to work, I'm supposed to solicit for an accountability partner. Any takers? I'm not super concerned about that, though, as I think I'll just use my blog for accountability purposes. Let's see how this MIRACLE MORNING routine works to create more positivity and balance in my life!

I'll be back next week for the next step in my self-care challenge: reprioritizing life with new 1-, 3-, and 5-year plans! Hope you'll be back to join me!

Fall Self-Care Challenge, Week One:LIFE BALANCE, Part 1

Howdy, folks!

As I alluded to on my personal Facebook last week (it's time to make a change, ya'll) and on The Momma in the Middle's FB page (new series coming, ya'll), I'm embarking on the journey of life changes.

Why, you ask?

Because today is my 38th birthday! Or, as my kids are teasingly referring to it this year, today is the 9th anniversary of my 29th birthday.

I'm not where I thought I would be in life at this age or stage. But then again, are you? In conversations with other women and moms - and, also, other adults in general, regardless of gender - I'm finding that it's pretty common to be unexpectedly on a different track or in a different place or station than expected.

You've got your reasons. I've got mine. Those reasons aren't going to help us get to where we want to be, however. Making changes and making our way to where we DO want to be in life is hard work.

Very, very, very hard work.

Which is - confession time - why I've been putting this off for a dog's age.

But no more. For a series of other reason, my boundary lines got crossed in a variety of ways just recently and I said to myself - and to my online mom's group, an awesome clutch of women who have become like family over the past decade - that enough was enough and I was done.

So, I'm on this fall self-care challenge, that is meant to go far beyond just self-care and actually work to transform my life.

Don't get me wrong. I have a pretty good life these days, especially reaching a much better zone in these past six months. But it can get SO much better!

Please know, I'm on this journey and crafting my steps as I go. I'm no expert in this and I don't expect you to follow me or look to me for any kind of guidance. I'm just me. But I've done a ton of reading and research and brainstorming and have come up with the plan I'd like to follow and I'd sure love company along the way.

HAVING SAID ALL THAT...

WEEK ONE: Life Balance!

Is your life in balance?

Don't worry. I can wait a while until you stop gasping with laughter.

Mine isn't either. Granted, it's a life of my own making, comprised of carefully chosen components that make me happy or fulfill needs for me in various ways.

But that sure doesn't mean it's balanced.

Heck no!

So, here's what I'm doing this week to start better balancing my time as the first step toward balancing my life.

1. Stop Watching the Clock

I'm a time watcher. It's one of my compulsions. (Legit. I have OCD.) I am obsessive with counting numbers and watching minutes tick off the clock. I am also obsessive about tracking my time, through appointment calendars and in an Excel file where I track all of my work. Some scoff at this but I legit track everything to the minute. I have to. It's a compulsion I haven't even tried to overcome/mitigate. (Yes, I'm using obsession and compulsion in place of each other and that's not strictly appropriate. Just trying to stress how much this consumes me.)

UNTIL NOW.

Now, I'm trying to switch to blocks of time. Who cares if it takes me 14 minutes and 54 seconds to complete a certain routine, repetitive task? Where does that statistic get me in life? Nowhere, I tell you. Nowhere.

Instead, I'm giving myself blocks to tackle certain things. Here's a two-hour block to complete as much as I can toward client writing. Here's a 30-minute block to get as much decluttering done as I can. Here's a 60-minute block to chill.

Schedules are filled with a lot of times, deadlines and expectations we set for ourselves arbitrarily. So while I'll still be observing set times and demarcations of time that are an absolute must, for the rest of the day, I'm going to be trying to transition to blocks versus minutes and hours.

2. Stop Denying My Inner Clock

My inner clock says I should nap from 11 to 1 in the afternoon but be wide awake for the day starting at around 3 AM. I have been fighting that for some time now. Forcing myself to slog through work, sometimes sloppily, because 11 to 1 "should" be a time I'm working. Forcing myself to lay in bed, when I know dang well I'm not going to doze back off, because 3 AM "should" be a time I'm sleeping.

Honestly, who cares about those silly shoulds? Am I harming anyone if I nap from 11 to 1 and work from 3 AM to 5 AM instead? Nope. Nope, I am not. In fact, when I've briefly experimented with this recently, it's AWESOME toward my productivity!

I get that not everyone can do this. Most of you would get fired if you dozed from 11 to 1, because that's the middle of your work day in a more rigid environment than mine. But what you can do is make some allowances for yourself at other times to capture your peak productivity times and give yourself grace to rest at your peak tired times.

3. Quit With Arbitrary Rules

How many arbitrary rules do you set for yourself, your spouse, your kids on a daily basis? I've really been thinking hard on these recently. What good do they do? Wouldn't some flexibility go a long way to removing arbitrary stress and ensuring things get done right instead of fast?

It would. I see you nodding over there. It totally would.

But dear Lord, aren't we wired to be arbitrary over things? This is a hard one to break and I think will be my most challenging.

How about you? What changes do you want to start making to your time management and life balance objectives?

Come on back next Monday and we'll continue talking about BALANCE!

And leave me lots of goodness in the comments if you're joining in, have feedback, have questions or can't wait to get started, too!

Hoot, Hoot...Hoot, Hoot

Had a scary experience with my doggos last night!

There’s currently a breach in our backyard fence that I haven’t had time to fix yet because I have to clear out a bunch of vegetation before I can reach it, but that allows the pups to get out. They don’t go far...we figured out there was a breach because we’d let them out the back door and they’d be begging to get in the house from the front door 30 seconds later. So for the past week or so, they’ve been going potty out front on leashes.

Last night, around midnight, I took them for one last potty trip. When we all got outside, after a moment, I noticed all three were transfixed, staring up at a bird on the power line. I didn’t have my glasses on and it was very dark so I had to move closer and really squint to see.

Danged if it wasn’t an owl! I’ve lived in Texas since the last week of May 2002, arriving here two weeks after college graduation up in PA. In 16 years and 4 months, I cannot recall seeing a single owl out of captivity here. And that includes living in 9 separate homes, 7 different towns, lots of nighttime dog walks or “me” walks BITD.

And he was a big’un!

I urged the pups to make quick about their business, because that bird was making Momma nerrrrrrrvous.

And then he swooped down. And so did I. I scooped up Baby and Sweetie, tugged on poor Sugar, and we were back inside my front door a nanosecond later. Who knew we could move so fast? With the screen door closed behind us and before I could slam my front door, I noticed him perched on the decorative stoop between my front porch and flower beds. Brazen sucker!!

Nighttime walks with the dogs just became a lot more cautious! Baby couldn’t have been even a quarter of his size. Thank God 2 of the 3 dogs are pee pad trained and the third will literally not pee in the house unless her bladder is positively overflowing...until I feel more comfortable again, that may be our nighttime solution.

In the Middle of...Child Cell Phone Safety

I recently bought both of my littles a cell phone. Yes, they're still a bit on the young side for that, but after thinking about it for a long time - like, really, a year - I decided it was the best course of action.

Having a cell phone doesn't mean the kids now have free reign over the internet, apps and all of the craziness that goes along with it.

*This Momma* has gone all NSA on the little ones, loading up their devices with parental monitoring software so that I have oversight of their usage and control over how the devices are used.

I'd like to share the apps I've installed so far - and then see what your favorites are to use for your kiddos' devices.

First up was Family Link. Family Link is an actual Google product and designed specifically so that families can safely allow children to use cell phones and other devices. And so far, I'm just loving it! I set up a profile for each kiddo and the parameters around their usage that I want to enforce. And it takes it from there! Every time they want to install an app, they have to ask me first - either their cell sends mine a request or they have to physically hand their cell to me to put in a password. Any time I need them to shut down right then and there, I just have to punch a button and their phones go dead. And when I need to locate their phones, or grab their attention, punch another button and even if their cells are on silent, they ring away. Very robust and entirely free.
Download here: Android - Apple

Next up, Screen Time. With this software, I can see exactly what apps the kids have use, when, and for how long. I can set limits on how long they can have screen time for in general or limit specific apps. And I can give them specific tasks - read: chores - to do that they have to accomplish before getting screen time back. This app also allows me to set various times when they can't have screen time - after bed, while in school, etc. Finally, I can check their exact web browser history - both searches and sites visited. Screen Time has a free side and then more robust features if you're willing to pay. I'm enrolled in the free trial currently and think I'm going to sign up for the paid side once done.
Download here: Amazon - Android - Apple

Last but not least, Life 360. This app lets me track the kids in real time. To some extent, I can do the same with Family Link, but this is more geared toward that. I can literally see a map of where they are and, if need be, plot a course to get there. The app allows you to name commonly visited locations like home, work and school and to get notifications as people arrive in and depart from these locations. To begin, you set up a family circle and invite all the cell numbers you want to participate. For kiddos who are in more than one family unit, they can be in more than one family circle. For that matter, there's no real age for this map. Worried about your elderly mom wandering? Install this app on her device and you can track in real time. Like other parental apps, this has a free and paid component and I'm also in this one's free trial, most certain I will purchase at the end.
Download here: Amazon - Android - Apple

Here's what I'm not tracking: calls in/out and texts in/out. I gave both great thought, and it looks like there are apps to do both. But I do want to preserve some privacy for the kids, so they can feel like they can text with, for instance, their Dad without being spyed upon. However, both kids know they have to hand over their phone whenever asked, they can only give out their number with my permission, and I have complete control over their phone book. Yes, this could be an area with potential for issues in the whole parental oversight of their devices thing, but we're going with some trust/trust-building for now.

If your kiddos already have cell phones or other devices like tablets (I monitor my kids' Kindle Fires as well), what software do you use for oversight and tracking? Please share - I'd love to know and your insight could help others!

In the Middle of Worry

I've been worried about something for a bit now. Not a major worry. Nothing world ending, nothing health or kiddo related. A minor worry, really. Without getting into specifics, it has to do with one of my (many) jobs and although I should have shrugged it off weeks ago, it's stayed with me. Nagged me. Woken me up daily at 4 a.m.

I know, I'm a bit melodramatic.

I didn't know what in the world to do about it. Should I say something? Write an email? Make a big stink over something that's ultimately a little issue? Enlist a neutral 3rd party? Just let it go?

I couldn't process it. At all.

Then, last night, I remembered the Youth lesson I taught the last week of August about stress.

In the lesson, which coincided with the start of the school year, we talked about how there's so dang many stressors in life. Work, school, family, chores, friends, health...the list is pretty literally never-ending.

All of those areas, if they get a bit out of sync, can cause stress. Stress that leads to worry. Worry that leads to anxiety. Anxiety that leads to panic. Panic that freezes us in place and prevents us from the life we're meant to live.

And God doesn't want us to live like that!

No, God doesn't promise us our lives are going to be perfect, our paths without boulders to climb, our roads without detours.

But he does promise us that no matter what's going on - big worries, little worries, small issues, potentially life-ending issues - he's with us.

The perfect verse for this, and it was in the lesson as well, comes from Philipians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

So...I decided I wasn't going to fly off the handle and do something rash about my situation. I wasn't going to poke the bear or try to precipitate an outcome that wasn't meant to be. Instead, I was going to cast that worry to God as a part of my normal daily prayers.

I have a prayer mantra. I say it probably 5 dozen times a day, in all situations. And while I'm saying it, I'm thinking about what I'm worrying about or giving thanks for at the time. I highly recommend this prayer mantra - it's played an integral role in turning my life back around for the positive the past six months. And it's so simple! So here it is:

Dear God, thank you for the many blessings in my life!

That probably wasn't what you were expecting, was it? But it's right in line with the verse above - first and foremost, I give thanks for all that I have. And even in the worst of times, my goodness do I have a lot! While I'm doing so, I have in my heart any petitions or praises that are current to that time. And God's got the rest.

Oh, and my worry? Well, it's gone now. See, after casting it to God, I got an email and then a phone call this morning that other people I hadn't even known were working on the same issue had resolved it and there wasn't a thing I needed to do. Poof. Gone.

Many worries don't go away like that. That junk that was gunking up my life in the past years took serious hard work to get gone. See, while God's there with us, he also expects us to work our tails off both in his service and to protect our families and prepare ourselves for the future while living our best lives today.

We can't just sit around and expect a prayer to solve all things or magically bring us solutions. Instead, I believe prayer both sets the wheel in motion and surrounds us with protection - especially our psyches and hearts - as we work under God's guidance to achieve what we need to in life while working diligently to live as He wants us to live.

What do you worry about? Do you have a personal prayer mantra? How do you talk to God about your worries? If you're agnostic or atheist, what is your own method of dealing with worry? Please share below - enquiring minds want to know!

What I'm Reading, Nonfiction:Rachel Hollis' "Girl, Wash Your Face"

BUY NOW

I've never been in a book club. Can you imagine that? I read a couple hundred books a year and have done so for decades. But yet, I've somehow never been in a book club!

Well, all that has (sorta) changed, with this book: Rachel Hollis' "Girl, Wash Your Face."

I've belonged to an online mom's group for a decade. We met originally through pregnancy and parenting boards on a site called iVillage many moons ago and somehow, a couple dozen of us have stuck together now for 10+ years - some even longer - and are a daily part of each other's lives. I've met a few in real life, talk with some on the phone, and text with others. Whenever I have something to share, need to ask a question, want support for an issue or life caves in, that group, now on Facebook, is where I head first. I received an incredible gift from these girls earlier this year in a time of need, I get (and hopefully give) awesome advice and it's just...well, it's my village.

A few weeks ago, one of the great gals mentioned a particular book she thought we should read together and discuss. Sounds good! Except, I suck at commitment sometimes when it isn't to my kids or my work, and so now I'm days behind in reading. So as a way to publicly share the impact this book is having on me and keep myself more accountable in keeping up with the group...plus, possibly share some truths from my life in raw honesty, I decided to post about it here.

Have any of you read this book? What are your thoughts? Here's the premise, in brief: we all have heard and began to believe certain lies that keep us from living our best lives, or have fallen into traps that are equally destructive. In this book, blogger and podcaster Rachel Hollis lays out these lies and discusses how she got past their hold on her own life.

I'd love to hear your thoughts if this book has also been in your TBR pile! I'm going to commit to posting on each chapter here as I post my responses in the group. I may not share as many details here as in there - that group is private and some things are just meant to be kept more private, as open as I try to be - but I promise to share a lot!

Will you join me? Buy your own copy and start reading today!

Put Your Own Mask On First

Over the past few years, the entire focus of my life has been my children and my paid and volunteer work. For myself, I visit Sonic to get cherry cokes, read a few books a week, get my haircut twice a year, and take myself on a solo date to the movies every so often. I've had a two or three nights out with girlfriends in the past couple years and attended a few events with my kids. Well, and going back to school was something for me, but that's been on hiatus pending resolutions to life and health issues and likely won't resume for another year or two.

Apparently, that means I need to get a life. Or add something meaningful to my life that's "just for me." I've gotten that advice from therapists, women's groups I belong to, friends and my pastor.

And I know it's valid advice.

I just don't know how to enact it.

So for this post, I'm going to try to hearken back to my days as an airline employee, where the advice is given during every flight that you have to secure your own oxygen mask first before attempting to help anyone else. It just makes sense, right? How can you help anyone else if you are lying dead from lack of oxygen in your own lungs?

But good Lord! When you've spent your entire life as a people pleaser, never saying no, volunteering for every little thing that comes along or getting roped in anyways, always trying to fix problems for everyone else while your own problems fester and have basically ignored having a life of your own for well over a decade...how the heck do you get restarted?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

Seriously.

No idea.

I write thousands of words for others on a daily basis. Many of those words are words of advice, for blogs that source tons of other authoritative publications, or based on my own expert-level knowledge in the case of certain topics. I get paid pretty damn well for those words I write telling other people what to do in multitudinous situations.

But I have no idea how to get started getting my own "personal" life back to a place where I'm consistently doing some things for myself. Any things. Small things. Insignificant things. Maybe occasional big things. Who-knows-what things.

And so I guess it's time to begin a new journey...as if life hasn't offered me too many opportunities to do so that I did not want or ask for over the past couple years. But perhaps if this is a journey of my own choosing, for once, instead of reaction to the actions of others, I can jump in with more enthusiasm and experience higher success and satisfaction?

Who knows?

I sure don't.

Here's what I do know. I smile a lot. My kids make me laugh. I get to do meaningful things all the time in my community and church. Yes, there's an enormous lack of self-care going on currently in my life. But I'm functional. I'm not miserable. I love all the things I do, even when some of them sometimes drive me nutso cuckoo.

But at times, I can kind of catch a glimpse of how much more satisfied and even happier I could be if I refound more pieces of myself.

So it's time to try.

Again, I have no idea what I'm doing here, folks. NO IDEA at all what this supposed journey will look like.

But it's time to get started.

Wanna come along?

Morning Peace

One of my very favorite things about summer is sleeping in. And I game the system...I let the kids stay up later, knowing they need more sleep than me. That means I can still sleep late AND still wake up before the kids do.

That's when I get my morning peace.

It's not peace because I am managing to get kiddo free time. I've recently been urged to seek more of that...to plan better for my self care and personal needs outside of the kids. And that's criticism well taken. I get it. I have made the kiddos the center of my world, and myself the center of theirs. So I work, I volunteer, and I mom. The advice I received, from fellow moms and my new pastor, focuses on also addressing me. And I will. In due time.

No, my morning peace is because I'm marveling on the kids even as I awaken before them and enjoy a bit of quiet before they roll into action for the day.

They've invaded my bed again. To my left are my daughter and my female dog, cuddled. On my right, my son and male dog, snuggled as well. I'm the Momma in the Middle once again, not much room, can't stretch without waking someone, kinda craving coffee.

But in this fresh morning light, which I've been enjoying over the past hour, I have all that I need right here. My pups, my cats nearby and already begging their next meal like the querulous elderly creatures they are, and my kiddos...ready to be big and adventurous but still small enough to want me nearby. To roll over a time or two overnight and tuck their hands into mine. I have cash in the bank, work queued to be done on my laptop, people who love my family literally around the world, and God watching out for us always.

In this peaceful morning time, what more could I need?

On Being a Solo - NOT Single - Mom

Words matter. A lot. As a professional writer with decades of experience producing tens of thousands of words every month for clients, and having published thousands of blog posts and a handful of books, I spend tremendous amounts of time considering words and word choice.

And that's why I've decided that I am officially retiring the term "single mom." It's not an accurate description, it's often said with disdain or in derision, it feels degrading, and it just needs to go.

Actually, I'm not just retiring the term. I'm murdering that bee-otch.

Let's discuss why by breaking it down.

In the two-word phrase, the second word is just fine. By virtue of having kids, I am a mom. First, I was a fur-mom to my dogs and cats. Then a God-mom to my beautiful God-daughters. And finally a mom to my wonderful son and daughter and an extra mom to a zillion of their friends who regularly invade my house.

Now let's examine the first word, which is the troublesome piece. "Single."

First, let's hit the dictionary. Actually, several.
From Miriam Webster:

1a : not married
1b : of or relating to celibacy

Oooooo-kay. Both are applicable in my case. Neither have a *single* thing to do with being a mom. (See what I did in that last sentence?)

Now, from Google's combined dictionary and thesaurus:

2. unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.

"a single mother"

synonyms:unmarried; unwed; unwedded; unattached; free; a bachelor; a spinster; partnerless; husbandless; wifeless; separated; divorced; widowed;

informal: solo

"is she single?"

antonyms: married

Again, none of that has anything to do with the fact that I'm a mom or my ability to be a mom. And the litany of synonyms is down right depressing.

So, over the past almost-two years, having been mostly devoid of in-person adult companionship while having upped my mom game with my babies out of both desire and necessity, I've come to the conclusion that the term "single mom" is just plain awful.

My ability to be a mom hinges in no way on being married or in a relationship. In fact, my children are happier and more stable now than they have been in the recent past. And while, yes, they desire more time with their father they understand why that's not happening right. When it's possible for that to change in the future, we are all open to the potential.

Beyond not liking the word "single" as a modifier for my description as a mom, I don't like the implications that there's anything wrong with being single in the first place. I am not in a relationship right now by choice. I have had the opportunity to go on dates and have had men express interest in me. And my kids are ready to chuck me at any man they encounter who isn't wearing a ring. But I don't want that right now and that's my choice to make.

When I am ready for that to change, fine. For now, I choose to identify myself as a divorced woman, not a single woman. That means that my prior relationship has ended and I am not open to a new one beginning at this time. Right now, in addition to momming and working more than full-time, I have the opportunity to rediscover who I am every single day. And that's okay.

The descriptor that I have chosen to embrace as a modifier to my most important role as a mom is "solo." Let's head back to the dictionary to understand why.

From Google:

1. for or done by one person alone; unaccompanied;

"a solo album"

synonyms:unaccompanied; single-handed; companionless; unescorted; unattended; unchaperoned; independent; solitary; alone; on one's own; by oneself

"a solo flight"

unaccompanied; alone; on one's own; singlehanded(ly); by oneself; unescorted; unattended; unchaperoned; unaided; independently;

informal: stag

"he went solo to the party"

antonyms: accompanied

The synonyms I love best from the word solo are independently and unchaperoned. Now, I can make decisions as concern my children on my own, without having to justify them to anyone else. I can be ME as a mom. And ya know what? I'm doing pretty dang well with that! I'm super proud, in fact, of what the kids and I have accomplished together, especially in most recent months.

Now, to Miriam Webster:

1: a musical composition for a single voice or instrument with or without accompaniment

2: a performance in which the performer has no partner or associate : something undertaken or done alone

Ya'll know how big a role music and performance has played in my life, so I'm sure there's no surprise in Momma-land that I would embrace a descriptor that includes music and performance as a part of the definition.

And momming is an exquisite and complicated performance, much like a musician learning to master a very difficult composition. Love it.

So there you have it: I, the Momma in the Middle, am a solo mom, not a single mom.

What do ya'll think?

Merry Christmas!

Christmas has come to the Aller kids!

I shared a months ago that we had a minimalist Christmas this past year, due to health and financial reasons, plus gearing up to move. Instead of tons of presents I didn't have the cash to buy, I bought a few very special things to give on December 25th (although Santa gave them more), and for Orthodox Christmas on January 7th, I gave the kids voucher books for items promised later.

Later was today!

The kiddos each got a new bike (their old bikes were stolen last fall), a new helmet, and new roller skates (the only skates they've had before were those Fisher Price things that go over shoes and are meant for little kids).

Boy are they excited! I took them to the store, gave them their budget, and off they went! And guess what they'll be doing the rest of today until we head to VBS tonight? And I love that these are all active items to get them off their butts!

The rest of the voucher items are still due to them...one-on-one time with me at the skating alley and on the local bike trails. Those will come as the summer progresses. Yay!

Merry Christmas to you and yours, whether you want to call it 6 months late or 6 months early. Today was a good reminder to us that Christmas isn't about presents...although the kids got presents today. Rather, it's about a season of joy and fulfilled promises!

Summer, Day 1!

First, I'm ba-ack! After my 5 month unplanned hiatus, I'm back and ready to jump back into the fun world of blogging. Now, on to..

Summer Break, day 1:

I am fairly sure someone told my kids they only had 1 day of summer vacation and so they had to accomplish everything right this very minute.

Today, we:

- Got up at the butt crack of dawn (707 am) and snuggled puppies
- Went to Krispy Kreme (while the hot sign was on) and gorged on donuts
- Got ice for the ice chest, intending to work on building the pool. Never got back outside to work on the pool. Tomorrow! (Let's see how many more times I say that...)
- Hung up more things on the walls of the kids' room and continued truly personalizing this house
- Gave both dogs a bath. Then Shug shook dry and gave me a bath.
- Hit Walmart for groceries and Sonic for soda.
- Enjoyed a visit from the Bramletts and Cate's bestie Abbi stayed to spend the night.
- Had an impromptu singing and dance party.
- Headed to Rodeo Wings so Raisa and I could kibbitz about the restaurant's 1st anniversary celebration and getting publicity set up for it, which means...
- The kids saw Grandpa and Jeff scored a new truck,
- The kids chowed down on yummy wings, and
- The kids got an intro lesson in Hindi from Raisa.

Now we're back home, crammed into my bed, the kids are avidly practicing Hindi and vowing to be fluent by August, and watching our first movie of the summer, having a late night coke, and prepping for church in the morning.

Okay, we're done here. School can restart Monday.

Tag, teachers, you're it!

God's Got This

I've been anxious and worrying a lot over the past six weeks...really, from the onset of my pneumonia before Thanksgiving. Lots of turmoil. Lots of bills. Lots of doctor appointments. Some changes already happening. Others coming soon. Uncertainty. Upheaval. And all that on top of a life that's already pretty chaotic.

So tonight, with only some of today's goals accomplished and even more on deck for tomorrow, I turn to Matthew 6:25-34 in the New Testament. Well-known words, yet somehow - sometimes - difficult to remember. Even when I stumble, God's got this; God's got me.

25Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air: They do not sow or reap or gather into barns—and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his lifespan?

28And why do you worry about clothes? Consider how the lilies of the field grow: They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was adorned like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

31Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans pursue all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.

34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own.

HAPPY New Year's!

For almost all of the past 10 years, I have lamented on New Year's Eve that the year hadn't been so awesome and that the following year was bound to be better. What I should have been doing was celebrating the various tough times we survived through then between major illnesses, surgeries, deaths, now divorces...and yet we - and here I can only speak for the kids and I - keep trucking along.

Enough of that noise. There will always be tough times. Heck, I ended up in an aircast and on crutches today after injuring my foot and ankle a couple nights ago and finally going to the hospital mid-ice storm today after my foot swelled and I lost feeling to my toes, which, it turns out, will not currently bend. But whatever! I'm done with that nonsense defining me and settling for merely surviving.

So I'm here to say that 2018 is going to be AWESOME. Completely and totally awesome. For all of us! And I can't wait to work my way to what I know will be great things in store. Bring it, new year! You're gonna rock!

Much love to you all! Mwah! 😘

Now having watched the ball drop in NYC with the kids, we're off to sleep because we get to visit with dear friends tomorrow and need some good rest first! G'night, world!

What I'm Watching: Why Him?

I tend to watch a lot of movies over the holidays. Reruns or cheesy movies are on TV, there's extra downtime to fill, and for the past two seasons, the kids are away for blocks of time with their father. So...Netflix, Amazon Prime Video and Redbox keep me fully stocked on movies.

A recent selection was the 2016 film Why Him? I give this movie 3.5 stars, and here's why:

First, a half star is deducted for constant "normalized" use of cuss words. Don't get me wrong; I can cuss a blue streak if I'm of a mind to do so. But in this movie, one of the main characters couldn't seem to get through even one moment without another curse flying out of his mouth. We get it: he's a bad boy and the use of language further demonstrates that. In this production, however, it was over the top and became unpleasant to listen to after the first 300 or so f-bombs. The same effect could have been accomplished in this film with a few thousand less instances of gratuitous cursing.

Second, a half star is deducted for turning out to have a cheesy premise: don't judge a book by its cover. I really thought Why Him? would turn out to be a lighthearted comedy. Mindless, if you please. However, with the above-mentioned language and then the theme of "not judging a book by its cover" really brought the movie down. I mean it, seriously...I'm (obviously) a big proponent of being open-minded, accepting and treating everyone in the same way. However, the continual emphasis of the theme began to feel a bit much as the movie progressed. We get it, he's a bad boy who turns out to be not-so-bad after all. Huzzah.

Third, a final half star is deducted for story-line purposes. Too big of a leap was made between the father's company at the beginning and at the end. The effort to connect the two felt forced and contrived. Also, hello massive surprise ending.

As for the 3.5 stars the movie actually kept, I'd have to say the pace was well done, the acting and casting on target and a premise interesting enough to keep me halfway tuned in from beginning to end. Bryan Cranston as the dad was obviously channeling his inner Tommy Lee Jones - honestly, the similarity was jarring at times. If anything, he took it a bit over the top. And Karen - ah, excuse me - Megan Mullaly as the mother was a delightful addition. My one criticism of Karen - let's face it, that's all I'll ever think of her as, since I aspire to be Karen myself later in life - is that while she tried to keep her voice neutral through the movie, it turned into the signature Karen pitch and timbre at times.

So here's my recommendation - do you need a movie to watch in the background while accomplishing something else like folding laundry or playing on Facebook? If so, this flick's for you. Anyone expecting a masterpiece may need to look elsewhere.

On Having a Minimalist Christmas

I normally go all-out at Christmas, in terms of decorating, celebrating, and gift giving.

This year, not so much. Several weeks of my life between Thanksgiving and Christmas got sucked up in a miasma of sickness, and it's changed my whole approach to the holiday season this year. See, I got pneumonia the week of Thanksgiving and was admitted to the hospital the following week for what would become a 10-day stay, followed by a week of bed rest at home.

That's the time I normally would have spent decking my halls to the nines - my Christmas decorations, when packed away, fill a walk-in closet, floor to ceiling. I dress up the whole front yard. The tree gets decked and then some. And every room in the house gets other decorations as well.

It didn't happen this year. We were lucky to get the tree up about a week ago. A few other treasured decorations made it out several days after that. As late as yesterday and today, the kids were bringing a few other things out to use. And the front yard didn't even get touched this year.

In addition, I usually do my Christmas shopping during the time I was in the hospital...using money also earned during that time. But when Momma, who is self-employed, doesn't work for three weeks...neither does she receive that income.

Please know, I am not saying any of this as a ploy for sympathy. Rather, I'm looking at this year as a blessing. As I've told my kids recently, with having gone through this illness and facing a few other upheavals soon, we ARE fine, and we are GOING TO BE fine.

Having not had or taken the time to do all of our decorations this year, we've instead had a chance to reflect more on the coming birth of Christ and what that means to our lives. We've gotten back to praying before each meal and at bed times regularly; something we'd fallen out of the practice of doing not so long ago. We've had lots of great Biblical discussions; it's amazing how much my kids have sponged up.

And I've tried - and hopefully somewhat succeeded - in setting more realistic expectations for the kids of what they'll receive this year from both Mom and Santa. My son, in particular, worries me. He has his heart set on an expensive gift that just was far out of reach. I've talked to him, now, numerous times about both Mom and Santa being on very tight budgets this year. And still he shows his faith that this present will somehow arrive. Who knows? Who am I to say it's absolutely impossible that it will? But what I'm hoping is that with less presents both from Mom and Santa this year, the kids will take more time to appreciate each of the presents.

Beyond that, we still have Orthodox Christmas on January 7th...and the kids know I always reserve some gifts for each of them to open then.

Either way, I'm sort of treasuring having a bit of a minimalist Christmas after so many years of making it the absolute production of the year. I've had more time to appreciate my family, my dear friends, and the many blessings in my life - first of whom are my children - than I've possibly had in recent years. And there's nothing wrong with that!

Now, this Momma has to go...I have to hang up some more laundry, then whip up some "Aunt Grace cocoa" and drive the kids around the neighborhood at bedtime to admire everyone else's lights. No matter what, we're enjoying this season and feeling the many gifts God has provided in our lives.

In the Middle of...Purging

Stuff, stuff, stuff and more stuff.

My house is jam packed full of stuff. How 'bout yours?

Right now, I'm in a season of purging and cleaning. We have waaaaaay too much stuff. So far, we've rounded up a half dozen bags of purged clothes - things I no longer need or fit into, and things the kids have outgrown. The kids have also packed up a bunch of their toys that are now too  young for them.

Last year, around this time, I began following KonMari as a way to skinny down my ownership of stuff. Have you tried her method? Marie Kondo has you go through your home in phases and recommends keeping only those things that bring you joy. And, as I noted a few posts ago, I'm at a point in my life where I'm consciously choosing joy.

How do you go about purging in your own home? Do you hold on to as much stuff as you can? I did that for many years. The more I owned, the more secure I felt.

And then came the realization that it was just stuff. My life isn't stuff. It's my kids, and my family and friends, and the work I pursue, and the past-times I enjoy. Stuff is just that - stuff. It doesn't define me. And I don't need it to define my home, or my family, or my future, or our security and well-being.

Would you like to join me in a season of purging this holiday season? I know we can all prowl around our homes and find junk that needs tossed, items that can go to a new home, clothes that can bless a different family, and other stuff we simply don't need for myriad reasons.

My personal goal is to purge about 1/5 of the stuff that's in this house. I'm not going minimalist - that's just not my style - but I'm finding as much as I can to throw away and re-home. It'll make the house more manageable when we are in it, and easier to move whenever we leave.

So that's where I am right now...in the middle of PURGING!

Why I Sonic

I'm famous - or is it infamous? - for my love affair with Sonic.

I even had publicity photos for my business taken while holding a Sonic cup.

Obsessed much? LOL!

I go to Sonic every day. Sometimes multiple times each day. I'm on a first-name share-real-life-stories basis with all of the managers at my Sonic, as well as many of the carhops. In fact, when someone new gets hired, they introduce me to them. Isn't that a hoot?

My order each trip is simple: cherry coke, no ice. Yum!

Contrary to popular belief, however, I don't spend a ton of money at Sonic - I get lots of coupons and free Route 44's for doing surveys - so I only spend $10 or less at Sonic each week. I rarely get food, as I eat most meals at home, but I can definitely say that when I do get food, it's always delicious.

Contrary to another popular belief, I don't just go to Sonic because I love their cherry cokes. I do, mind you. Love their cherry cokes, that is. There's something deliciously special about their fresh-dispensed Coca Cola with cherry flavoring added in at the end.

Rather, I go to Sonic because during a time in my life when I was very isolated, Sonic became my social life and my opportunity to talk to people other than my then-husband and my children (who were basically just babies at the time). We had just moved to Westworth from Fort Worth, I was experiencing major health issues, I worked solely from home, my kids hadn't yet started school, I was suffering from some major depression and anxiety that wasn't yet well-controlled with meds, and so I really had no socialization opportunities.

Enter Sonic. Going to Sonic got me out of the house for 20 minutes. Gave me a different adult to talk to. Gave me an opportunity to gossip and laugh. (Got me some yummy soda!) Reminded me that there are great people out there, you just have to go and find them.

And so, I'm grateful to Sonic for helping to sustain me during a hard period in my life. And that has continued as other hard things have happened. Dementia-laden mother-in-law moves in? Go to Sonic. Husband leaves you for another woman? Go to Sonic. Just need to think about something other than everyday life for 5 minutes? Go to Sonic.

And that, folks, is why I Sonic!

I Choose JOY!

Something that could be seen as very bad happened yesterday. I'm not ready to share about it publicly, but what I can tell you is that I wept for about two hours afterwards before pulling myself together. And I don't cry all that easily.

But then...my fabulous friend and housemate Yolanda, and my awesome neighbor Theresa, gave me some wonderful words of wisdom and I was able to re-find my calm and get to a better mental place. Doing so allowed me to see the "very bad happening" as a terrific opportunity instead of a horrific loss. And, as always, I prayed my butt off and really felt peace from the Lord blanketing me as well.

How often, in life, do we get caught up in "poor me" situations where we get stuck focusing just on things that go wrong and miss out on the opportunity to take a different path or enter a different door? It's so easy to feel down on life. And once we do it for awhile, that "down-ness" is something we get stuck in. And that's what makes so many of us Negative Nellies - I've been guilty of that, too! How 'bout you?

Even in the most troublesome of situations, where satisfactory resolutions appear to be extremely unlikely, we can make the conscious decision to choose JOY!

I'm the crossing guard at my kids' elementary school. That means I stand out there from 7:25 to 8:05 each morning, and 2:45 to 3:15 each afternoon...sun, rain, sleet, snow, whatever. Because of my recent bout of pneumonia and unGodly long hospital stay and recovery, I missed 3 weeks at the crosswalk. It was terrible!

The crosswalk is one of my places of JOY! No matter which side of the bed I wake up on, I find JOY every single morning and afternoon when nearly a hundred shiny happy kiddos stream past me on their way to and from school. I only get to interact with them briefly, but doing so always puts a huge smile on my face. Sometimes, I don't even realize that I'm grinning until there's a lull in the flow of kids and I have a moment of self-reflection.

Being a crossing guard is my favorite job - and I have quite a few jobs! And I don't even get paid to be there any longer - I had to agree to forgo pay when I accepted the nomination for the City Councilmember position, because it would have been a conflict of interest to be a paid city employee and a city official at the same time. So even though that job is no longer an income stream, it is still my absolute favorite!

This job brings me JOY twice a day, five days a week...no longer what is plaguing the rest of life. Do you have a job, or hobby, or vocation that brings you joy? If not, why not? Find a great place to volunteer. Leave a job you're miserable at for one that better aligns with your needs. Go help at your kids' school. Become involved in a church or civic groups.

But whatever you do, make sure you have ample opportunities to choose JOY!