Talking About Potty Training

Some of my discussions with my kiddos are about the tough issues in life...biting, sharing, and, of course, potty training. Here's a recent exchange with Big Girl.

Mom: Do you have to go potty, honey?

Big Girl: Nope. I'm busy asking you to put Dora on the TV.

Mom: Are you sure? You haven't gone in awhile.

Big Girl: Mo-om! No. I want to watch Dora, please.

Mom: Ok, well let me know when you're ready.

Big Girl: Duh. Dora! Now!

Five minutes later...

Big Girl: [Grunt]

Mom: Are you going potty?

Big Girl: Nope! I'm underwater basket weaving. With Dora!

Mom: Come on. Let's go potty.

Big Girl: Uh, ok. But you're not going to like this.

Mom: Like what? Hey, why is there a great big green cloud of noxiousness wafting from your backside?

[Fail]

[end scene]

Talking About Sonic

My kiddos are often held captive in the backseat of my car. Going all sorts of places they'd just as soon skip in favor of going home. But it's where some of our best conversations occur. Here's one about Sonic.

Mom: We'll head home in just a few minutes after Mommy stops at Sonic for Happy Hour.

Bubba: Happy Hour? Sis, that sound like Mom's taking us to a bar? Really, Mom?

Big Girl: Maybe she'll get us something.

Mom: I'm just going to get myself a nice big soda so I can stay awake long enough tonight to get everything done.

Big Girl: Me, too! Soda, please!

Bubba: Mmm. Yeah. Me, too. Or boobs.

Big Girl: Gross. Knock it off. Soda, please!

Mom: No, guys. We'll eat right after we get home. Mommy just needs to get a soda.

Bubba: Needs? No, Mommy needs help.

Big Girl: You're addicted, Mom.

Bubba: Milk?

Big Girl: No, to Sonic.

Bubba: No, I want milk.

Mom: Bubby, hang tight. We'll be home soon. Promise.

Bubba: Sis, can you get online and Google “Sonic addiction?”

Talking About Bottles

Talking to my kiddos when they have their mouths plugged just seems mean. But I have fun with it. Here's a talk with Bubba Boy about bottles.

Mom: Here you go, Bubby. A nice bottle of juice.

Bubba: Boobs.

Mom: Come on now. This is apple juice. You need some so you're not all backed up.

Bubba: Seriously, Mom?

Mom: Down the hatch! Here we go!

Bubba: Mmm. Oh. Yeah. This is good.

Mom: That's a good boy. Drink it all down.

Bubba: Are you trying to get me drunk?

Mom: Look at you go. When you're done with the juice, I'll get you a bottle of milk if you're still thirsty.

Bubba: Milk?

Mom: You have to finish the juice first. Drink it aaaallllll down.

Bubba: Ok. Slurp. All gone.

Mom: Good for you! Here's a bottle of milk, like I promised.

Bubba: What do I get when this is gone? Ma? Ma?

[end scene]

Talking About Nursing

Sometimes, when I'm talking to my kids, I'm wondering exactly how big of an idiot I think they am. Here's a recent discussion I had with Bubba about nursing.

Mom: Alright, Bubba. Careful now. Mom's a little sore.

Bubba: Boobs.

Mom: I'm glad we decided to give this another go even after I was sick. You're only six months old. No reason we can't get to 13 or 14 months like your sister.

Bubba: Eight more months of boobs? Yee-haw!

Mom: Hey! Did you just bite me? Be careful, Bubby.

Bubba: Just got excited. Slurp.

Mom: That's a good boy. You're such a hungry little bugger.

Bubba: Yup. Definitely better than peas.

Mom: Maybe I'll make you some rice and peas for dinner after this.

Bubba: [crunch]

Mom: Ye-ow. Be careful, little man.

Bubba: No peas. No rice. Steak. Or boobs.

Mom: Well, I guess we're about done here. I'd better get dinner made.

Bubba: My dinner just walked away. Crap.

[end scene]

Talking About School

I talk to my kiddos constantly. And even though Big Girl can answer back, I sometimes make up different answers from her in my head. Because I know that's what she's actually thinking. Consider this conversation on school.

Mom: Did you have fun at school today?

Big Girl: Preschool.

Mom: Did you do anything interesting?

Big Girl: It's preschool. I didn't exactly learn differential diagnosis techniques.

Mom: That reminds me that a new episode of House is on tonight. Did you eat all of your lunch?

Big Girl: Nope. Did you?

Mom: Ah, I, no.

Big Girl: Why not?

Mom: I was just really busy.

Big Girl: Too busy for lunch?

Mom: Well, yeah. I mean, wait. Did you do any drawing at school today?

Big Girl: I'm bored. Is House on yet?

[end scene]

Talking About Dinner

I talk to my little kids like they're big people. To the extent where it may be excessive. And I fill in their responses in my head...which is definitely excessive. But funny. Here's my discussion with Bubba about eating dinner.

Mom: I made you a nice big bowl of rice, baby boy. It's yummy.

Bubba: Boobs?

Mom: I know you're angling for some mommy time, but we're going to eat dinner first, honey.

Bubba: No boobs?

Mom: Open wide, Bubs. Yum, yum, yums.

Bubba: Are you sure no boobs?

Mom: Come on baby. Open up. Yummy nummies for the boy.

Bubba: Ok. Rice. Huh.

Mom: That's a good boy. Niiiiice big bite. Good job!

Bubba: Pbbbbbt.

Mom: No, no, baby. You gotta keep it in your mouth.

Bubba: Nope. Pbbbbt.

Mom: Good lord, how much did you have in your mouth?

Bubba: Lots. Pbbbbt.

Mom: Let's try this again, honey. Oooooo-pen. There we go. Nice, big....

Bubba: Pbbbbt. Haha.

Mom: Clearly, this isn't working. Let's try a drink.

Bubba: Finally. Boobs!

Mom: Nope, I meant for me.

[end scene]