In the Middle of Worry

I've been worried about something for a bit now. Not a major worry. Nothing world ending, nothing health or kiddo related. A minor worry, really. Without getting into specifics, it has to do with one of my (many) jobs and although I should have shrugged it off weeks ago, it's stayed with me. Nagged me. Woken me up daily at 4 a.m.

I know, I'm a bit melodramatic.

I didn't know what in the world to do about it. Should I say something? Write an email? Make a big stink over something that's ultimately a little issue? Enlist a neutral 3rd party? Just let it go?

I couldn't process it. At all.

Then, last night, I remembered the Youth lesson I taught the last week of August about stress.

In the lesson, which coincided with the start of the school year, we talked about how there's so dang many stressors in life. Work, school, family, chores, friends, health...the list is pretty literally never-ending.

All of those areas, if they get a bit out of sync, can cause stress. Stress that leads to worry. Worry that leads to anxiety. Anxiety that leads to panic. Panic that freezes us in place and prevents us from the life we're meant to live.

And God doesn't want us to live like that!

No, God doesn't promise us our lives are going to be perfect, our paths without boulders to climb, our roads without detours.

But he does promise us that no matter what's going on - big worries, little worries, small issues, potentially life-ending issues - he's with us.

The perfect verse for this, and it was in the lesson as well, comes from Philipians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

So...I decided I wasn't going to fly off the handle and do something rash about my situation. I wasn't going to poke the bear or try to precipitate an outcome that wasn't meant to be. Instead, I was going to cast that worry to God as a part of my normal daily prayers.

I have a prayer mantra. I say it probably 5 dozen times a day, in all situations. And while I'm saying it, I'm thinking about what I'm worrying about or giving thanks for at the time. I highly recommend this prayer mantra - it's played an integral role in turning my life back around for the positive the past six months. And it's so simple! So here it is:

Dear God, thank you for the many blessings in my life!

That probably wasn't what you were expecting, was it? But it's right in line with the verse above - first and foremost, I give thanks for all that I have. And even in the worst of times, my goodness do I have a lot! While I'm doing so, I have in my heart any petitions or praises that are current to that time. And God's got the rest.

Oh, and my worry? Well, it's gone now. See, after casting it to God, I got an email and then a phone call this morning that other people I hadn't even known were working on the same issue had resolved it and there wasn't a thing I needed to do. Poof. Gone.

Many worries don't go away like that. That junk that was gunking up my life in the past years took serious hard work to get gone. See, while God's there with us, he also expects us to work our tails off both in his service and to protect our families and prepare ourselves for the future while living our best lives today.

We can't just sit around and expect a prayer to solve all things or magically bring us solutions. Instead, I believe prayer both sets the wheel in motion and surrounds us with protection - especially our psyches and hearts - as we work under God's guidance to achieve what we need to in life while working diligently to live as He wants us to live.

What do you worry about? Do you have a personal prayer mantra? How do you talk to God about your worries? If you're agnostic or atheist, what is your own method of dealing with worry? Please share below - enquiring minds want to know!

What I'm Reading, Nonfiction:Rachel Hollis' "Girl, Wash Your Face"

BUY NOW

I've never been in a book club. Can you imagine that? I read a couple hundred books a year and have done so for decades. But yet, I've somehow never been in a book club!

Well, all that has (sorta) changed, with this book: Rachel Hollis' "Girl, Wash Your Face."

I've belonged to an online mom's group for a decade. We met originally through pregnancy and parenting boards on a site called iVillage many moons ago and somehow, a couple dozen of us have stuck together now for 10+ years - some even longer - and are a daily part of each other's lives. I've met a few in real life, talk with some on the phone, and text with others. Whenever I have something to share, need to ask a question, want support for an issue or life caves in, that group, now on Facebook, is where I head first. I received an incredible gift from these girls earlier this year in a time of need, I get (and hopefully give) awesome advice and it's just...well, it's my village.

A few weeks ago, one of the great gals mentioned a particular book she thought we should read together and discuss. Sounds good! Except, I suck at commitment sometimes when it isn't to my kids or my work, and so now I'm days behind in reading. So as a way to publicly share the impact this book is having on me and keep myself more accountable in keeping up with the group...plus, possibly share some truths from my life in raw honesty, I decided to post about it here.

Have any of you read this book? What are your thoughts? Here's the premise, in brief: we all have heard and began to believe certain lies that keep us from living our best lives, or have fallen into traps that are equally destructive. In this book, blogger and podcaster Rachel Hollis lays out these lies and discusses how she got past their hold on her own life.

I'd love to hear your thoughts if this book has also been in your TBR pile! I'm going to commit to posting on each chapter here as I post my responses in the group. I may not share as many details here as in there - that group is private and some things are just meant to be kept more private, as open as I try to be - but I promise to share a lot!

Will you join me? Buy your own copy and start reading today!

Put Your Own Mask On First

Over the past few years, the entire focus of my life has been my children and my paid and volunteer work. For myself, I visit Sonic to get cherry cokes, read a few books a week, get my haircut twice a year, and take myself on a solo date to the movies every so often. I've had a two or three nights out with girlfriends in the past couple years and attended a few events with my kids. Well, and going back to school was something for me, but that's been on hiatus pending resolutions to life and health issues and likely won't resume for another year or two.

Apparently, that means I need to get a life. Or add something meaningful to my life that's "just for me." I've gotten that advice from therapists, women's groups I belong to, friends and my pastor.

And I know it's valid advice.

I just don't know how to enact it.

So for this post, I'm going to try to hearken back to my days as an airline employee, where the advice is given during every flight that you have to secure your own oxygen mask first before attempting to help anyone else. It just makes sense, right? How can you help anyone else if you are lying dead from lack of oxygen in your own lungs?

But good Lord! When you've spent your entire life as a people pleaser, never saying no, volunteering for every little thing that comes along or getting roped in anyways, always trying to fix problems for everyone else while your own problems fester and have basically ignored having a life of your own for well over a decade...how the heck do you get restarted?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

Seriously.

No idea.

I write thousands of words for others on a daily basis. Many of those words are words of advice, for blogs that source tons of other authoritative publications, or based on my own expert-level knowledge in the case of certain topics. I get paid pretty damn well for those words I write telling other people what to do in multitudinous situations.

But I have no idea how to get started getting my own "personal" life back to a place where I'm consistently doing some things for myself. Any things. Small things. Insignificant things. Maybe occasional big things. Who-knows-what things.

And so I guess it's time to begin a new journey...as if life hasn't offered me too many opportunities to do so that I did not want or ask for over the past couple years. But perhaps if this is a journey of my own choosing, for once, instead of reaction to the actions of others, I can jump in with more enthusiasm and experience higher success and satisfaction?

Who knows?

I sure don't.

Here's what I do know. I smile a lot. My kids make me laugh. I get to do meaningful things all the time in my community and church. Yes, there's an enormous lack of self-care going on currently in my life. But I'm functional. I'm not miserable. I love all the things I do, even when some of them sometimes drive me nutso cuckoo.

But at times, I can kind of catch a glimpse of how much more satisfied and even happier I could be if I refound more pieces of myself.

So it's time to try.

Again, I have no idea what I'm doing here, folks. NO IDEA at all what this supposed journey will look like.

But it's time to get started.

Wanna come along?

Morning Peace

One of my very favorite things about summer is sleeping in. And I game the system...I let the kids stay up later, knowing they need more sleep than me. That means I can still sleep late AND still wake up before the kids do.

That's when I get my morning peace.

It's not peace because I am managing to get kiddo free time. I've recently been urged to seek more of that...to plan better for my self care and personal needs outside of the kids. And that's criticism well taken. I get it. I have made the kiddos the center of my world, and myself the center of theirs. So I work, I volunteer, and I mom. The advice I received, from fellow moms and my new pastor, focuses on also addressing me. And I will. In due time.

No, my morning peace is because I'm marveling on the kids even as I awaken before them and enjoy a bit of quiet before they roll into action for the day.

They've invaded my bed again. To my left are my daughter and my female dog, cuddled. On my right, my son and male dog, snuggled as well. I'm the Momma in the Middle once again, not much room, can't stretch without waking someone, kinda craving coffee.

But in this fresh morning light, which I've been enjoying over the past hour, I have all that I need right here. My pups, my cats nearby and already begging their next meal like the querulous elderly creatures they are, and my kiddos...ready to be big and adventurous but still small enough to want me nearby. To roll over a time or two overnight and tuck their hands into mine. I have cash in the bank, work queued to be done on my laptop, people who love my family literally around the world, and God watching out for us always.

In this peaceful morning time, what more could I need?

On Being a Solo - NOT Single - Mom

Words matter. A lot. As a professional writer with decades of experience producing tens of thousands of words every month for clients, and having published thousands of blog posts and a handful of books, I spend tremendous amounts of time considering words and word choice.

And that's why I've decided that I am officially retiring the term "single mom." It's not an accurate description, it's often said with disdain or in derision, it feels degrading, and it just needs to go.

Actually, I'm not just retiring the term. I'm murdering that bee-otch.

Let's discuss why by breaking it down.

In the two-word phrase, the second word is just fine. By virtue of having kids, I am a mom. First, I was a fur-mom to my dogs and cats. Then a God-mom to my beautiful God-daughters. And finally a mom to my wonderful son and daughter and an extra mom to a zillion of their friends who regularly invade my house.

Now let's examine the first word, which is the troublesome piece. "Single."

First, let's hit the dictionary. Actually, several.
From Miriam Webster:

1a : not married
1b : of or relating to celibacy

Oooooo-kay. Both are applicable in my case. Neither have a *single* thing to do with being a mom. (See what I did in that last sentence?)

Now, from Google's combined dictionary and thesaurus:

2. unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.

"a single mother"

synonyms:unmarried; unwed; unwedded; unattached; free; a bachelor; a spinster; partnerless; husbandless; wifeless; separated; divorced; widowed;

informal: solo

"is she single?"

antonyms: married

Again, none of that has anything to do with the fact that I'm a mom or my ability to be a mom. And the litany of synonyms is down right depressing.

So, over the past almost-two years, having been mostly devoid of in-person adult companionship while having upped my mom game with my babies out of both desire and necessity, I've come to the conclusion that the term "single mom" is just plain awful.

My ability to be a mom hinges in no way on being married or in a relationship. In fact, my children are happier and more stable now than they have been in the recent past. And while, yes, they desire more time with their father they understand why that's not happening right. When it's possible for that to change in the future, we are all open to the potential.

Beyond not liking the word "single" as a modifier for my description as a mom, I don't like the implications that there's anything wrong with being single in the first place. I am not in a relationship right now by choice. I have had the opportunity to go on dates and have had men express interest in me. And my kids are ready to chuck me at any man they encounter who isn't wearing a ring. But I don't want that right now and that's my choice to make.

When I am ready for that to change, fine. For now, I choose to identify myself as a divorced woman, not a single woman. That means that my prior relationship has ended and I am not open to a new one beginning at this time. Right now, in addition to momming and working more than full-time, I have the opportunity to rediscover who I am every single day. And that's okay.

The descriptor that I have chosen to embrace as a modifier to my most important role as a mom is "solo." Let's head back to the dictionary to understand why.

From Google:

1. for or done by one person alone; unaccompanied;

"a solo album"

synonyms:unaccompanied; single-handed; companionless; unescorted; unattended; unchaperoned; independent; solitary; alone; on one's own; by oneself

"a solo flight"

unaccompanied; alone; on one's own; singlehanded(ly); by oneself; unescorted; unattended; unchaperoned; unaided; independently;

informal: stag

"he went solo to the party"

antonyms: accompanied

The synonyms I love best from the word solo are independently and unchaperoned. Now, I can make decisions as concern my children on my own, without having to justify them to anyone else. I can be ME as a mom. And ya know what? I'm doing pretty dang well with that! I'm super proud, in fact, of what the kids and I have accomplished together, especially in most recent months.

Now, to Miriam Webster:

1: a musical composition for a single voice or instrument with or without accompaniment

2: a performance in which the performer has no partner or associate : something undertaken or done alone

Ya'll know how big a role music and performance has played in my life, so I'm sure there's no surprise in Momma-land that I would embrace a descriptor that includes music and performance as a part of the definition.

And momming is an exquisite and complicated performance, much like a musician learning to master a very difficult composition. Love it.

So there you have it: I, the Momma in the Middle, am a solo mom, not a single mom.

What do ya'll think?