Put Your Own Mask On First

Over the past few years, the entire focus of my life has been my children and my paid and volunteer work. For myself, I visit Sonic to get cherry cokes, read a few books a week, get my haircut twice a year, and take myself on a solo date to the movies every so often. I've had a two or three nights out with girlfriends in the past couple years and attended a few events with my kids. Well, and going back to school was something for me, but that's been on hiatus pending resolutions to life and health issues and likely won't resume for another year or two.

Apparently, that means I need to get a life. Or add something meaningful to my life that's "just for me." I've gotten that advice from therapists, women's groups I belong to, friends and my pastor.

And I know it's valid advice.

I just don't know how to enact it.

So for this post, I'm going to try to hearken back to my days as an airline employee, where the advice is given during every flight that you have to secure your own oxygen mask first before attempting to help anyone else. It just makes sense, right? How can you help anyone else if you are lying dead from lack of oxygen in your own lungs?

But good Lord! When you've spent your entire life as a people pleaser, never saying no, volunteering for every little thing that comes along or getting roped in anyways, always trying to fix problems for everyone else while your own problems fester and have basically ignored having a life of your own for well over a decade...how the heck do you get restarted?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

Seriously.

No idea.

I write thousands of words for others on a daily basis. Many of those words are words of advice, for blogs that source tons of other authoritative publications, or based on my own expert-level knowledge in the case of certain topics. I get paid pretty damn well for those words I write telling other people what to do in multitudinous situations.

But I have no idea how to get started getting my own "personal" life back to a place where I'm consistently doing some things for myself. Any things. Small things. Insignificant things. Maybe occasional big things. Who-knows-what things.

And so I guess it's time to begin a new journey...as if life hasn't offered me too many opportunities to do so that I did not want or ask for over the past couple years. But perhaps if this is a journey of my own choosing, for once, instead of reaction to the actions of others, I can jump in with more enthusiasm and experience higher success and satisfaction?

Who knows?

I sure don't.

Here's what I do know. I smile a lot. My kids make me laugh. I get to do meaningful things all the time in my community and church. Yes, there's an enormous lack of self-care going on currently in my life. But I'm functional. I'm not miserable. I love all the things I do, even when some of them sometimes drive me nutso cuckoo.

But at times, I can kind of catch a glimpse of how much more satisfied and even happier I could be if I refound more pieces of myself.

So it's time to try.

Again, I have no idea what I'm doing here, folks. NO IDEA at all what this supposed journey will look like.

But it's time to get started.

Wanna come along?

Morning Peace

One of my very favorite things about summer is sleeping in. And I game the system...I let the kids stay up later, knowing they need more sleep than me. That means I can still sleep late AND still wake up before the kids do.

That's when I get my morning peace.

It's not peace because I am managing to get kiddo free time. I've recently been urged to seek more of that...to plan better for my self care and personal needs outside of the kids. And that's criticism well taken. I get it. I have made the kiddos the center of my world, and myself the center of theirs. So I work, I volunteer, and I mom. The advice I received, from fellow moms and my new pastor, focuses on also addressing me. And I will. In due time.

No, my morning peace is because I'm marveling on the kids even as I awaken before them and enjoy a bit of quiet before they roll into action for the day.

They've invaded my bed again. To my left are my daughter and my female dog, cuddled. On my right, my son and male dog, snuggled as well. I'm the Momma in the Middle once again, not much room, can't stretch without waking someone, kinda craving coffee.

But in this fresh morning light, which I've been enjoying over the past hour, I have all that I need right here. My pups, my cats nearby and already begging their next meal like the querulous elderly creatures they are, and my kiddos...ready to be big and adventurous but still small enough to want me nearby. To roll over a time or two overnight and tuck their hands into mine. I have cash in the bank, work queued to be done on my laptop, people who love my family literally around the world, and God watching out for us always.

In this peaceful morning time, what more could I need?

On Being a Solo - NOT Single - Mom

Words matter. A lot. As a professional writer with decades of experience producing tens of thousands of words every month for clients, and having published thousands of blog posts and a handful of books, I spend tremendous amounts of time considering words and word choice.

And that's why I've decided that I am officially retiring the term "single mom." It's not an accurate description, it's often said with disdain or in derision, it feels degrading, and it just needs to go.

Actually, I'm not just retiring the term. I'm murdering that bee-otch.

Let's discuss why by breaking it down.

In the two-word phrase, the second word is just fine. By virtue of having kids, I am a mom. First, I was a fur-mom to my dogs and cats. Then a God-mom to my beautiful God-daughters. And finally a mom to my wonderful son and daughter and an extra mom to a zillion of their friends who regularly invade my house.

Now let's examine the first word, which is the troublesome piece. "Single."

First, let's hit the dictionary. Actually, several.
From Miriam Webster:

1a : not married
1b : of or relating to celibacy

Oooooo-kay. Both are applicable in my case. Neither have a *single* thing to do with being a mom. (See what I did in that last sentence?)

Now, from Google's combined dictionary and thesaurus:

2. unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.

"a single mother"

synonyms:unmarried; unwed; unwedded; unattached; free; a bachelor; a spinster; partnerless; husbandless; wifeless; separated; divorced; widowed;

informal: solo

"is she single?"

antonyms: married

Again, none of that has anything to do with the fact that I'm a mom or my ability to be a mom. And the litany of synonyms is down right depressing.

So, over the past almost-two years, having been mostly devoid of in-person adult companionship while having upped my mom game with my babies out of both desire and necessity, I've come to the conclusion that the term "single mom" is just plain awful.

My ability to be a mom hinges in no way on being married or in a relationship. In fact, my children are happier and more stable now than they have been in the recent past. And while, yes, they desire more time with their father they understand why that's not happening right. When it's possible for that to change in the future, we are all open to the potential.

Beyond not liking the word "single" as a modifier for my description as a mom, I don't like the implications that there's anything wrong with being single in the first place. I am not in a relationship right now by choice. I have had the opportunity to go on dates and have had men express interest in me. And my kids are ready to chuck me at any man they encounter who isn't wearing a ring. But I don't want that right now and that's my choice to make.

When I am ready for that to change, fine. For now, I choose to identify myself as a divorced woman, not a single woman. That means that my prior relationship has ended and I am not open to a new one beginning at this time. Right now, in addition to momming and working more than full-time, I have the opportunity to rediscover who I am every single day. And that's okay.

The descriptor that I have chosen to embrace as a modifier to my most important role as a mom is "solo." Let's head back to the dictionary to understand why.

From Google:

1. for or done by one person alone; unaccompanied;

"a solo album"

synonyms:unaccompanied; single-handed; companionless; unescorted; unattended; unchaperoned; independent; solitary; alone; on one's own; by oneself

"a solo flight"

unaccompanied; alone; on one's own; singlehanded(ly); by oneself; unescorted; unattended; unchaperoned; unaided; independently;

informal: stag

"he went solo to the party"

antonyms: accompanied

The synonyms I love best from the word solo are independently and unchaperoned. Now, I can make decisions as concern my children on my own, without having to justify them to anyone else. I can be ME as a mom. And ya know what? I'm doing pretty dang well with that! I'm super proud, in fact, of what the kids and I have accomplished together, especially in most recent months.

Now, to Miriam Webster:

1: a musical composition for a single voice or instrument with or without accompaniment

2: a performance in which the performer has no partner or associate : something undertaken or done alone

Ya'll know how big a role music and performance has played in my life, so I'm sure there's no surprise in Momma-land that I would embrace a descriptor that includes music and performance as a part of the definition.

And momming is an exquisite and complicated performance, much like a musician learning to master a very difficult composition. Love it.

So there you have it: I, the Momma in the Middle, am a solo mom, not a single mom.

What do ya'll think?