Recipe of the Day

This recipe is a tasty pie-in-the-face of "Mama said there'd be days like this" that will leave you asking "what next" while you pondering whipping it up for yourself next Groundhog's Day, or even on April Fool's.

(Editors Note: Folks, you can't make this stuff up.  This recipe really is how I lived my life between the evening of March 12th and the evening of March 13th.  Take caution when trying at home.)

Ingredients:

Lower Crust

• 1 Baby Bed Rail (preassembled)
• 1 Mommy
• 1 Daddy
• 1 Good Arm
• 1 Bad Arm
• 1 Disposable Knee
• 1 Cell Phone (disposable preferred; harder to trace)

Filling

• 1 Scheming Toddler
• 1/4 C Desitin
• Several Elmo's (mixed variety)
• 6 Gal Water
• 1/2 C Baby Shampoo
• 1 Washcloth
• 1 Mommy
• 1 Daddy
• 1 Camera Phone (internet ready)
• Facebook account

Upper Crust

• 1 New DVD
• 1 Old DVD Player
• 1 Dish TV Remote
• The Internet

Icing

• 1 Scheming Toddler (can reuse from filling)
• 1 Innocent Baby
• 1/4 C Desitin (fresh; do not reuse from filling)
• Toys (the more, the merrier)
• Big Toy (needs a space large enough for 1 Innocent Baby to crawl through)
• 1 Water Bottle with Pull Top (exercise variety)
• 1 Tbsp Dawn
• 2 C Water
• 1/4 Roll Paper Towels
• 1 Mommy
• 1 Camera Phone (internet ready, can reuse from filling)
• Facebook Account

Cherry On Top

• 1 Loving Toddler (can reuse from filling if appropriate)
• 1 Mommy
• 1 Bad Arm

Dessert Drink

• 1 Not-quite-potty-trained Toddler (can reuse from filling if appropriate)
• 1 Used Diaper
• No Warning
• 1 Mommy
• 3 Wipes
• 1 New Diaper
• 1 Mommy Blog

Method

Lower Crust

1. Send The Daddy to work.
2. Have The Mommy struggle to set up the Baby Bed Rail with both the Good Arm and the Bad Arm for 4-5 minutes.
3. Develop brilliant idea to have The Mommy lift the mattress with the Good Arm while pushing in the Baby Bed Rail with the Disposable Knee in order to shield the Bad Arm from further injury.
4. Double over in pain as the Disposable Knee determines it was not meant to be a battering ram.
5. Simmer for 5 minutes.
6. Send nastygram to The Daddy at work, complaining of sustaining another injury whilst setting up the Baby Bed Rail, using a Disposable Cell phone to avoid tracing if a loving rebuke is misinterpreted as a threat of imminent harm.
7. Set aside The Mommy to cool.

Filling

1. Have The Mommy begin prep work on future recipes while allowing ingredients such as The Scheming Toddler to age.
2. Have The Scheming Toddler smear Desitin liberally on every exposed part of her body as well as on the red furry behinds of a variety of Elmo's.
3. Have The Mommy glance up in utter shock when The Scheming Toddler announcings "Look at me, Mama".  Scream.  Use the camera phone to take a picture and send to the Facebook account.
4. Set aside The Mommy to cool while counting to 10.
5. Use The Mommy to herd The Scheming Toddler into the bathroom, allowing her vocal complaints to awaken The Daddy.
6. Fill the bathtub with approximately 6 gallons of water, adjusting total volume as necessary.
7. Alternate between The Mommy and The Daddy using the Washcloth to vigorously scrub The Scheming Toddler with Baby Shampoo.
8. Rinse.
9. Repeat.
10. Dry and allow The Scheming Toddler to sit.

Upper Crust

1. Begin weaving the upper crust by placing one new DVD in one old DVD player, ensuring that the remote control is removed beforehand.
2. Look up the correct code on the Internet to enable the Dish TV Remote to connect with the old DVD player.
3. Realize that when tools from different companies are used together, the controls may not be compatible.  Press every single button on the Dish TV Remote control in order to experiment with pushing play and weaving the upper crust.
4. Note: it may take 11 or 12 restarts until the correct combination of buttons is determined.

Icing

1. Allow 1 Scheming Toddler to sit with 1 Innocent Baby so their flavors can combine.
2. Have the Scheming Toddler use Desitin to liberally baste herself and the Innocent Baby, ensuring nearly full coverage.
3. Allow the Scheming Toddler to play with surrounding toys to ensure they are also covered with Desitin.
4. Place Innocent Baby in the middle of a space in a large toy to ensure that he cannnot get away move until full coverage has been obtained.  Panicked screaming will help the process to move faster.
5. Use the camera phone to take a picture and send to CPS Facebook account.
6. Set aside Scheming Toddler to simmer.
7. Combine 1 Tbsp Dawn and 2 C Water and mix well.  Wet a paper towel with solution and remove Desitin from Scheming Toddler and Innocent Baby at end of basting time.

Cherry on Top

1. Mix 1 Loving Toddler and 1 Mommy vigorously.
2. Use 1 Bad Arm to brace Mommy when Loving Toddler pushes her from the bed.
3. Place Mommy in the freezer for 20 minutes to chill.

Dessert Drink

1. Fill not-quite-potty-trained Toddler to the brim with a variety of liquids over an 8-12 hour period.
2. Soak Used Diaper thoroughly.
3. Drizzle fresh liquid on Used Diaper, allowing overflow to coat floor.
4. Allow 1 Mommy to slide sideways through coated floor.
5. Remove coating with 3 Baby Wipes.
6. Cover Toddler in New Diaper.
7. Write about it in Mommy Blog!

Why Charlie Sheen is Right

I was re-watching my favorite Two and a Half Men episode last night and reflecting on how sad I was that I wouldn't get to see Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer ham it up on the set of the show any longer.

Have you seen the show? I love it. Have seen every single episode, most many times.

If you've seen the show, you've surely met the character of Charlie Harper. Drunk, insensitive womanizer who makes his living in show business.

Read that last sentence again.

I was describing Charlie Harper.

But  let's think seriously about this, folks.

Didn't Charlie Sheen have a reputation for being a wild guy long before this show debuted?

Yup.

And hasn't Charlie Sheen played the hell out of Charlie Harper these last half dozen seasons?

Isn't he all the more believable, because, well, he was pretty well typecast?

"Television's number 1 comedy" didn't get to that position by using a choir boy to play a bad boy.

Hasn't Charlie Sheen had other issues, particular to his drinking, prior to this?

Hasn't he shot off his mouth in the past?

Even gotten in trouble with the law?

All while on the show.

And yes, it is Chuck Lorre's story lines that the show is dependent upon...

But it's Charlie Sheen's character, Charlie Harper, that carries the show to the heights it has attained.

Asking Charlie to separate from Charlie is pure hypocrisy.  And it makes me angry.

Is it ok to be a drunk, insensitive womanizer?

Apparently only when you're Charlie Harper, not Charlie Sheen.

What say you?

NASCAR Wrapup: 2011 Kobalt 400 (Vegas)

I always get nervous heading into Las Vegas, folks.  Everyone knows it's Busch territory.  Kurt and Kyle know that track inside out and routinely do well there.

And I can't stand 'em.

But Carl got a little retribution from last week's unlovely tap by Kyle Busch and drove away with today's checkered flag.  Yahoo!

And how about Jr. with a second top-ten?  Maybe the curse gets broken this year and my man gets the wins he's worked so hard to chase.

And poor Kyle's car flamed out.  Literally.  Boohoo.

Speaking of boohoo, today's "Man Up" award goes to Tony Stewart.  His post race whining was ugly, man.  Get it together!

What did you think?

Talking About Potty Training

Some of my discussions with my kiddos are about the tough issues in life...biting, sharing, and, of course, potty training. Here's a recent exchange with Big Girl.

Mom: Do you have to go potty, honey?

Big Girl: Nope. I'm busy asking you to put Dora on the TV.

Mom: Are you sure? You haven't gone in awhile.

Big Girl: Mo-om! No. I want to watch Dora, please.

Mom: Ok, well let me know when you're ready.

Big Girl: Duh. Dora! Now!

Five minutes later...

Big Girl: [Grunt]

Mom: Are you going potty?

Big Girl: Nope! I'm underwater basket weaving. With Dora!

Mom: Come on. Let's go potty.

Big Girl: Uh, ok. But you're not going to like this.

Mom: Like what? Hey, why is there a great big green cloud of noxiousness wafting from your backside?

[Fail]

[end scene]

Explaining the People Mover

Good Tuesday morning to everyone, and welcome to Tuesday Travel Tips with Tiffany! To read previous editions, you can find them here.

I just love easy ways to get from one place to another, quickly. I don’t have much patience for slowness of any sort. (I’m sure that’s a shocker!)

So you know I love me some people movers at the airport.

It seems, however, like some of my fellow travelers are not as bought into their use as I am. So let’s spend today’s Tuesday Travels post explaining the people mover.

You are familiar, I assume, with the concept of the escalator?

Nifty thing. Ensures that you don’t have to walk up and down stairs on your own. Also ensures that a snagged scarf can lead to your untimely demise, but that’s another story…

Ahem.

A people mover is a horizontal escalator. Phineas and Ferb dismantled an escalator, smoothed out the bumps, and spent their day installing it in an airport.

What a cool concept – instead of sprinting wildly from one gate to the next in order to just miss my flight, I can get on the people mover and have it aid in my efforts.

But only if you, fellow traveler, cooperate.

GET OUT OF MY WAY.

Ahem.

When on a people mover, similarly to an escalator, similarly to a highway, slow traffic should stay to the right and allow passing on the left.

If you’re going to let the people mover do all of the work to move you from point A to point B, that’s cool. No problem. But some of us want to do double duty here and enjoy the forward motion of the people mover while still motorizing on our own.

And when you, or your gigantinormous luggage, are standing still, you become like a speedbump to me. And since I’m not a big fan of the slalom, it would be much appreciated if everyone standing still could do so on the same side, so I can speed my way in a straight line rather than running hurdles.

Mmmkay? Thanks!

And until next time,

Safe Travels!